Letting Go of Your List: Why Finding the Perfect Guy Is Something You Can't Plan

Everybody has a list.
You know what I’m talking about—that list of all the things you do (and don’t) want in a significant other. And these lists are serious business too—the sort of thing you don’t even want to consider straying from when it comes to finding someone to love. I mean, come on—isn’t complete and total control the key to happiness?

I made my first list around fourteen and OH MY GOD, IT WAS INSANE. I wrote it out with my best friend on a lined sheet of paper and yes, I still do have it to this day (told you it was serious biz).
Anyway, I don’t know what was wrong with me (honestly) but I had some pretty huge expectations.
Some examples:

And that is just a taste of the entirely too-comprehensive list I sketched out of my perfect mate at the age of fourteen. I would like to apologize to Ryan Seacrest and any and all olympic athletes but still stand by the fact that Harry Potter is the best thing ever and if you don’t like it, you sure as hell aren’t dating me (Harry Potter forever!)

Over the years, my list has matured. I no longer really care about a majority of the stuff on that original list. It was too limiting and left me literally no room to find a living, breathing human male.
That doesn’t mean the list doesn’t still exist though. It still lives at the back of my brain (no, I didn’t write this one down) and includes things like non-smoker, must love dogs, college educated, dorky but in a cool way (Harry Potter forever). And I really do try to stick to this list when it comes to my many dating endeavors. I don’t trust a guy if he doesn’t like dogs. I assume things aren’t going to work if he doesn’t get my Star Trek jokes. I have never, ever been on good date with a vegetarian (burgers, y’all). There’s just certain things I look for in a guy that seem like major dealbreakers–either they fit the mold or they don’t. And if they don’t fit that mold, how could they ever be my perfect guy?

The thing is though, as time has gone on, I’ve found that sticking to my list hasn’t really done me any favors. I have been on a lot of dates with smart, college-educated dog lovers that have bored the shit out of me. I have been on dates with Trekkies who are just a little bit too weird. I have gone out with perfect-toothed, hairless men who are smart but aren’t smarter than me, who love Harry Potter and Doctor Who and have made me feel nothing. 
But when I’ve branched out and embraced dates sans list? That’s where I’ve hit the sweet spot. I went on a couple of dates with a shorter-than-me, bartending, smoker and had the best time ever (I mean, we even went to a strip club together. Can you imagine me in a strip club? No. No, you cannot. But it was hella fun). I’ve been out with an open-relationshipped, mega-nerd and have never felt more. I mean, for goodness sakes, I even went on a date with a cat person who didn’t like Harry Potter and I really, really enjoyed myself.

Okay, so those relationships haven’t really worked out either but they certainly were more successful than the ones with guys who seemed perfect on paper. Because, and I’m just figuring this out too, there is no such thing as perfect, on paper or otherwise.
We don’t get to decide what makes someone good for us (or what makes us good for someone else). Sometimes the people we least expect are the best. Life is weird and it’s something that you cannot plan, no matter how damn hard you try.
The same thing goes for love, even more so.
The things that set us on fire, really and truly, are not the things we pick for ourselves. Fire and lust and desire and love are found in the things that catch us off guard.  That’s the best sort of stuff.
It always has been.

So, that’s why I’m ditching my list. I’m not going to focus on college educations. I’m not going to think about dog lovers or freckles or floppy morning hair. I don’t need a list to help me decide what makes me feel good.
I want the person that’s unexpected. I want the person that gets me laughing–belly-laughing, the good kind–at two am. I want the person that makes my heart sing, that makes me feel so much that I think I might explode.
I want someone I love for everything they are and everything they’re not, no check list required.
(And yes, I still want the person that loves Harry Potter because some things you just can’t compromise on.)